Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
