just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
