I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
