i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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