My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
