I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
