Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
