The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
