I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
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