Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
