I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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