getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
