Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Randomize
