You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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