I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
