I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
