ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
