There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
