Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
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