Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We left an ass print on the piano.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
