Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
