My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
