I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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