I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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