whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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