last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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