I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
