I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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