My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
