While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
