I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
