sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
