I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
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He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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