My Higher Power is John Stamos
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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