a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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