Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
