the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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