I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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