I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
