don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Randomize