Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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