He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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