I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Randomize
