Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
