weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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