Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
