It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
