My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
vagina is talking i cant
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
