i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
