Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
