shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize