I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
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I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
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Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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