i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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