You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
