he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
