apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
