Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
