my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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